Mourning, how is a friend to act?

My friend has just lost her mother, and because of this, I would like to dedicate this post to her.

I can only imagine the devastation. The thought of losing such a prominent figure in life scares me, nevermind the experience of actually having to say goodbye. What’s to follow after that? How does life change, and yet not change with your mother missing? Here on this island, we are blessed (and cursed) by how close we remain to our relatives our entire lives. We are always just a few minutes away from each other. So when one looses such a strong supporting figure how does one move on?

I would not like to dismiss those who had a challenging relationship with their mothers; those who had come to the decision that cutting them out of their lives would be the best solution for them to heal. I believe they too might feel a sense of loss when their mother dies as the predicament that there is no time left to ever salvage the relationship would die along with her.

My friend has a very close relationship with her mom. I write in the present tense as I do not believe that death is the ultimate action that would severe that relationship. I am sure that her mother’s thoughts and wisdom are imprinted into her mind and heart and she will be continuously reminded of what her mother taught her as she moves through life. Perhaps by time, as new routines set in, it gets easier. But it does take time and the following days during this transition will be the hardest.

There are several stages for those experiencing grief; Shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So what is the role of a friend in all of this. Here are my thoughts:

Don’t pester.

First few days they will want to spend time with family and have no mind to entertain guests. Show that you are ready to be available for them by sending messages.

Show up to the family’s funeral.

It’s a formal setting but it shows respect. By acknowledging who died as someone very important for them, they will appreciate your presence.

Don’t be too far away.

The days after that become a bit tricky, and you need to be aware of your friend’s needs. Do they need space to mourn on their own or do they want distraction by binge eating on ice cream and watching a movie with somebody? Don’t be afraid to ask, and let them know that it’s okay to refute meeting up with you; that it won’t create hard feelings.

During your time together.

Don’t feel pressured into needing to make the situation light by joking around. Know that it’s okay to share quiet moments by being silent with them. Depending on the friend, a hug or a gentle touch on their back might be a lot better than having to talk. It’s a way of showing that you are there for them.

If they disappear.

Don’t take it personally if they disappear for a couple of days. Remember your friend might still be going through an extremely tough time, whose mental capacities are probably too caught up with the grief.

They might be afraid to be alone.

And if your friend is the kind that doesn’t want to be left alone and needs the continuous distraction, leave space for grief to surface in your time together. Everyone is unique and the way you deal with the aftermath all depends on your type of relationship you have already fostered.

With this, I offer my deepest condolences to my very good friend. You mean so much to me, and I am extremely saddened by these turn of events. Should you need a friend, I’m at your beck and call. Take care my friend.